In 2020, I downloaded my first dating app in hopes of kissing a French boy before a flight back to the States. Major flop. But here I stand three years later in New York City, still on the apps and a few kisses richer than before.
Dating is hard, but I love it. Shamelessly, nothing humors me more than seeing what these 20-something-year-old men put on their dating profiles. A .5x lens selfie? Excellent. Not afraid to add a silly voice prompt? Even better. If they can banter, you’ve struck gold. I’m no vet when it comes to being on dating apps, but I have served my time—mainly on Hinge (hi, bb)— and it’s not always a gold mine. All it takes is one look at my phone’s screenshot history to know that I’ve been accosted many a time by a cringe response to my profile. And yes, I keep screenshots of them.
My years of hoarding strangers’ bizarre responses have led to this moment, and I’m ready to share them with you all. So, please, enter my vault of some of the most cringe Hinge responses I’ve ever received, and maybe my reactions to each will lighten your day a bit.
“Just from your picture, you look like trouble! Am I correct?? Lol 😉😆”
In said picture I am wearing ski goggles on a bus. In fact, I don’t even know if a picture screams “she’s not trouble” less.
“I want you to concentrate on the first 3 words of this sentence.”
“Well first we have to go out so I can see how you dress.”
Every time this man speaks, feminism and the feminist movement in general goes back 50 years. Never let a man, especially one named Bart, dictate what to wear.
“I’m 7’4 and own a yacht (nonchalantly)”
He’s doin too much. I don’t believe he’s 7’4″, first of all, and it’s just reminding me of this guy I dated who loved to flaunt his catamaran. It was so nasty.
“I need to kiss you (on the lips)”
The way he felt the need to clarify?
“hi kaili *crawls from under your bed* (with rizz)”
This, by far, is one of the weirdest responses I’ve ever gotten—and you best believe I told him that. But! It happened back in a time in my life when I argued that it’s better to be weirded out than turned off… so I matched back.
“I have a survey for work and need people to fill this google form out for data.”
Ah, yes, the tried and true “Give Me Your Number” survey. I didn’t fill it out, but a totally semi-related flashback: when I was quarantined and bored in 2020, I sent a Google survey called “To All The Boys I’ve Liked Before” to—you get it—all the boys I’ve ever liked. I asked questions like “Did you know I liked you?” and “Did you ever like me back?’” Some of the kings actually filled it out. Shoutout if you’re reading this.
“Ruin my life”
Why do men want this? As a Libra woman (iykyk), I’m telling you it’s not fun.
“Drake – Finesse (0:20)”
Me in real time: omg. lyrics. how fun *opens Spotify and scrolls to 20 seconds in* “I want my baby to have your eyes” GAG.
“Of course, you’re my future wife after all”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is rolling in her GRAVE.
“Êtes-vous intéressé à avoir le meilleur sexe de votre vie à l’arrière d’une ford taurus?”
I’ll let Google translate this one for you, but all I will say is it makes so much sense a Caleb would drive a Ford Taurus.
“I’m gonna save you for last.”
So my profile says “One boundary of mine is… I’m a save the best for last type of eater,” and while I promise I have always meant food by this statement, I gave this guy some points for his game.
“Well I’m here… you have two more wishes 😊”
I literally felt my lips curl inwards while typing this one out. Like, sir, I did not ask for any wishes, let alone YOURS. I kid you not, I responded—point blank—”I wish for a new pickup line.”
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